10 Ways to Cope with Difficult Relatives During the Holidays

Worrying about an upcoming gathering can cause anxiety before it even starts, says Thomas C. Lian, MD, a psychiatrist and behavioral health medical director at Scripps. It’s better to focus on behaviors that can reduce anxiety and boost your mood, he says.

Before a family event, do something relaxing. You might try yoga or listening to music. Seeing difficult relatives without feeling stressed will enable you to react calmly to anything they do or say that might bother you.

Try focusing on the positive, says Stephen Shapero, MD, a family medicine physician at Scripps Coastal Medical Center Carlsbad. “Focus on the positive qualities of family members before gatherings, not the negatives,” he says. 

Sharing happy memories or fun activities can bring joy during holiday gatherings. This helps create a nicer atmosphere for you and those around you, reducing holiday stress.

It would be nice if your difficult aunt or uncle didn’t criticize your outfit at the family dinner this year, but don’t count on it.

We shouldn’t expect people to change when they have behaved in the same way for years. Try to keep perspective and maintain some emotional distance.

“Minimize your contact with difficult relatives, and spend more time interacting with people you like,” Dr. Lian says.

Politics and religion are usually topics that people disagree about and can lead to heated debates. However, some people may bring up touchy subjects without thinking about how they might affect others. A difficult relative may ask: “Are you ever going to get married?” It may seem harmless, but it may also strike a nerve and make you feel uncomfortable.

Set boundaries for healthy interactions, advises Dr. Shapero. “Stay away from topics that can cause arguments. If someone does bring it up, try to change the subject in a polite way.”

Keep in mind that you can only change yourself. “You can’t stop people from bringing up controversial subjects or asking rude questions, but you can monitor and modify your own reactions,” says Dr. Lian. “No one can force you to engage in a negative conversation.”

Instead, simply say, “Let’s not get into that now.” Then change the topic. If he or she persists, excuse yourself and walk away.

Holiday gatherings often include drinks, but it’s important to be careful with alcohol. If you choose to drink, set limits before the event. You can still enjoy the fun of gatherings without needing alcohol.

The problem with alcohol is that some people become aggressive or argumentative when they’ve had too much to drink, Dr. Lian says. If you think this could happen to you, minimize your drinking, try to alternate alcoholic drinks with water or stick to non-alcoholic beverages.

Limit or avoid interacting with people who have drunk too much, and don’t let them drive.

Physical activity is a strong remedy for stress and anxiety. Consider going for a walk before or after meals. You can also join in family-friendly activities that get everyone moving or watch a funny movie together.

“It’s difficult to be drawn into an argument when engrossed in an activity that requires concentration, physical activity or laughter,” says Dr. Lian.

You can lower anxiety by focusing on things you enjoy and appreciate. Take a moment to think about what you are thankful for. It could be your family and friends, good health, a warm home, a nice meal or a sunny day.

Be patient with people, even those who annoy you.

“We all do things that irritate other people, and we probably aren’t aware of it,” says Dr. Lian. “Try to be tolerant of others’ quirks and irritating behaviors, and don’t take them personally.” If nothing else, remember you only have to tolerate the irritation for a little while.

Smiling at a favorite photo or a funny text message from a friend can help reduce stress. When things get too stressful, plan to sneak away, take a break and look at your happy reminder.

If you can’t leave a stressful situation, try focusing on your breathing. Deep breathing is a calming technique that can help reduce stress.

“Even a short break can have a powerful effect on stress and anxiety,” says Dr. Shapero.

After holiday gatherings, take time to think about what happened. Consider which strategies worked and what can be better next time. Learning from each experience helps you get ready for future family events.